So I'm not sure if any of y'all caught the VMAs last week, but in case you did, congratulations. It took a steady hand and a low gag reflex to make it all the way to the end; if you actually made it through this spectacle in one piece, it is my professional opinion that the President himself should award you and every brave American like you 8 gold metals. On the off chance you
missed the worst televised disaster in recent months, allow me to cue you in on what went down there in good old Hollywood.
After a cutesy intro vignette where Jonah Hill (of Superbad fame) hits on Britney Spears, the woman long thought batshit bananas crazy appears in a decent (a wee bit too sparkly) looking dress and does her best impression of Robin Williams in
Bicentennial Man and recites the words rolling off the teleprompter behind the camera like a crack addict hooked on phonics.
"Hyuck Hyuck!"(via GoFugYourself)
Then Rhianna comes out dressed like a dominatrix, everybody claps, and MTV wheels this coked out British man on the stage, where he then proceeds to make "jokes". The way this guy, known as Russel Brand (and not to be confused with
Bertrand Russell), told these "jokes" made it seem as if he had never actually heard a joke be told in 'oll is bluh-y loife'. But then, every time a chocolate cake of epic fail came spewing out of his gob, I would just look at his outrageously horrendous LEGGINGS, punchlines of their own, and laugh myself into a hysterical fit. (Let the record show that after laughing, I promptly vomited.)
"I'm out of my mind!"
Then, after tangentially chiding the American people, as self proclaimed 'representative of the global community',
to elect Obama, this walking punchline insults Bush, Palin, Palin's kids, and the Conservative community at large. I'm not sure on what authority this titt monkey thinks he has to recommend anything to anyone, considering the guy can barely dress himself. The only people in the world who wear six different studded rhinestone leopard print belts
at a time are schizophrenic people and Russel Brand.
Well guess what MTV, with that little uh-oh you can kiss the long cherished Conservative demographic goodbye! All sixteen of them who watch MTV, that is. God help you if this is re-ran on CMT...
After that, some other stuff happened and Britney drew first blood. A bunch of other people won meaningless awards, Demi Moore looked hot, and then...The Jonas Brothers. I've never heard of the Jonas Brothers before, but from what I understand they're three little Mormon orphans who think they can pray the gay out of their gray vests and clockmaker shoes. They start their cute song off on the steps of some crackhouse in Harlem, which bursts open midsong to reveal a stage where the Brothers Jonas continue their lipsynch/instrument sync with a live band. At this point thousands of rabid JoBro fans rush the show, nearly swallowing the bubble gum popsters in a mixed tidal wave of sexual frustration and enthusiasm only money can buy.
(Mormons)
That Michael Phelps guy shows up to introduce Black Predator, who wears skinny jeans...four inches below his waist line. Black Predator's ante is met and raised by Black Sgt. Pepper, never to be outdone. Lindsay shows up, looking fly if not a little bohemian. Paramore then 'rocks the house' with the first actually decent song of the night. After that, Linkin Park accepts some award, looking older and douche-ier than I remember them when I was twelve.
Hanna Montana plays Rock Band and Pink (dressed like Blue Hitler) blows a lot of shit up, beats people up, and nearly exposes her tit, all to compensate for her lack of anything resembling punk 'cred' or relevancy...sorry Pink, but you look like the lost member of the X-Men.
"I'll kill all of you with my bare hands and mohawk!"
Pete Wentz is as dumb as ever, Slipknot shows up to accept the 'sellout band of the year' award, yadda yadda yadda. TI, who I kind of like, did this kind of interesting little number where he walks this transvestite through a Hollywood lot while singing to her...at us onscreen. Someone disguised as Christina Aguilera shows up to poorly lip sync to her new song with a dance number clearly choreographed by someone with a deep loathing for humanity.
(This woman is not Xtina. This is a cyborg.)
Tokio Hotel accepts the 'Best New Band' Award, which is funny, because Tokio Hotel isn't new at all. I didn't recognize him at first, but it hit me after about three seconds; Singer Bill Kaulitz is, in fact, Pete Burns from 80s one hit wonders 'Dead or Alive' with a slightly more ludicrous hair cut!
(The Modern Miracle of reconstructive surgery)
Pare-Pare makes the scene, stumbling around (as per usual) but, surprisingly lucid (for Paris), hands out her award without a hitch to Britney, Bitch. Kid Rock sings a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid song about what its like being an old guy to a bunch of twenty somethings (who, by the way, looked soooo enthralled). Li'l Wayne, who for obvious reasons relates to Kid Rock's lyrics about being alive in the 70s, comes out and joins him - probably to rally up the crowd. And how successful they both are.
"I'm a fucktard!"
Britney wins a-fucking-NOTHER VMA for the same video, and the night ends with Kanye's new song (which, by the way, features absolutely no rapping whatsoever).
And with that, my play by play - and the hope for all humanity - comes to an end. I hope the execs at MTV get their act together next year, or MTV may lose
all of its credibility. Wait a second...
Without further ado, here's Britney's video that was good enough to win 3 god-loving Video Music Awards (what in the hell is a 'Video Music'????)
Piece Of Me Video
